"Scars" - a poem

Sometimes I write poetry that isn't romantic at all. Here is one that came to me last night...

Scars

These scars are still healing,

the impression of your hateful words are like red lashes across my back,

the marks you left on me inside and out.

Angela Yuriko Smith, Pixabay

 

I recall the shock of finding bruises in places no one else could ever see,

the impact of your teeth marks everywhere,

the hard ways you took me and left me hating us both.

When you’d roll over and sleep it off,

I felt so empty and I’d do everything I could to make silent tears.

Counseling, Pixabay

I couldn’t show how much it scarred me.

 

The belittling words you’d throw my way,

later I was sure you were intimidated that I was smarter than you,

but then you did whatever you could to make me feel less.

You don’t understand how hard it was to take the step away months later,

the final one,

not because I cared too much for you,

but more because I knew I deserved better and you’d never see that.

It was also a challenge afterward,

the constant memories crowding my mind,

the time I flinched when you almost hit me,

how I thought I was stuck in place,

Cocoparisienne, Pixabay

crippled by fear and jailed by your cold heart.

I recall the dark emotions swirling within me,

sometimes I still can’t see myself enough,

and I am afraid I’ll disappear into the ether,

a forgotten note,

Kellepics, Pixabay

just where you wanted me then.

These scars will always be there,

but I know breaking away was best.

Sometimes I still feel the hard grip of your touch,

the harshness in your dark eyes,

without a hint of compassion,

even when I was in physical pain.

The way you demanded,

only demanded everything,

but never gave back.

I have to shut my eyes against the shadowy memories.

Geralt, Pixabay

  

Then the next one came along,

with his gentle approach and it was easy to sink into complacency.

Except he hurt me in a different way,

as men sometimes do.

He had no way of knowing the deep cut he made would turn me inside out,

Milada Vigerova, Unsplash

 

swirling in my gut,

when I saw further into the darkness and lost myself a bit more.

As life often goes,

I made plenty of mistakes later,

like an addict does with no other options,

exploiting internal weaknesses I shouldn’t have touched.

These scars have marked me….made me the woman I am today.

They say experience makes you stronger.

Then I should be invincible by now.

Yet I’m not,

just me,

sometimes still the girl you scarred so much.

But there is a day now and then when I feel an ounce of peace and I can find the light.

 

Chris Barbalis, Unsplash

It’s a journey…even though years have passed,

and I live in the comfort of one who truly loves me,

I remember and know the scars I’ve collected on my skin define me.

Created by Tirachard - Freepik.com

A survivor.

© 2018, Marie Lavender.

***Author's Note: if this poem moved you rather than disturbed you (I apologize for the frankness about my life), consider reading Directions of the Heart, a collection that explores the many facets of PTSD and the journey of healing. These are tales that are close to my heart.