Novemer 6, 2013
by Adam Scull
I am the door that opens and closes just
as fast, the tank that plows into an enemy’s territory.
I am the blade of grass swaying by the
wind, then rising back up after the onslaught.
I am the pages of a book, the beginning,
middle and end. When it’s closed, there
is still more to draw from it.
I am the waves in the sea, tumultuous,
then flowing back onto the shore.
I change like the many colors of the
world, from blue to green to deep pink.
I stay the same within, like a molecule
that in essence does not alter its true form.
I am more than you or I can imagine,
human just as everyone is.
I am like the pen across the page,
ever-flowing, moving until the last word is finished, until the letter is
written.
And I can fall down like bricks at a
demolition site.
And I can rise like great towers when I
find the strength.
I am all of these things.
And I am only human, just as you are.
Cami washed the blood off of her
hands. A desolate ache grew inside her, and
a wave of nausea swept over her. She ran
to the toilet, emptying her stomach of the steak dinner she’d had at the
restaurant. She rinsed her mouth out and
brushed her teeth to remove the taste.
She had politely refused Greg’s
invitation to go back to his house for coffee.
She knew what that implied. There
would be no coffee involved and, she feared, nothing beyond a one-night stand. She could read him well; he simply wasn’t the
kind to saddle himself to one woman.
Some men couldn’t handle it, and she wasn’t desperate enough to take a
chance with him.
After the business meeting at the
restaurant, Cami headed home. But, she
hadn’t expected that dog. If he hadn’t
crossed the road at the moment when she’d looked away, he’d still be
alive. There was so much blood, so much
it seemed like an eternity to wash it off.
Even now, when it was off, she felt tainted with it as if had somehow
merged with her own, torturing and soiling her soul.
She remembered wrapping the large
mutt in a blanket she’d retrieved from the trunk, placing him in the passenger
seat, and lightly touching his back as he trembled on the drive to the
vet. She had held him as he took his
last breath; she had held him while the vet tried to do what he could to revive
him. When it was over, the man had tried
to console her, saying there was nothing to be done, that it wasn’t her fault,
but those were all lies. What lies
people told themselves to feel better!
It was idiocy really to think that no matter what, no one was
responsible because fate had a hand in it.
But, someone was responsible. She
was and there had been so much blood, just like when they’d found Graham ten
years ago.
She had felt responsible then too
for her brother’s death even though he’d been killed by a mad man. They had thought he’d been found, that he was
alive, when they were called to the scene.
She and her parents rushed there to retrieve her brother only to find
him lying in a ditch in the middle of nowhere as cold as a long winter. The cops had been just as surprised, that the
call had been cryptic to them and it just as easily could have been the
murderer calling in the scene. What kind
of man would do that? Or could do
that? How could he just kill someone and
then call it into the police like it was nothing to him? But then, the man had never been found.
She had blamed herself for they had
fought before he’d left for school about, well, she couldn’t really remember
what it had been about, but it had seemed important at the time. And then he was missing. Just like that, he was gone for several days,
and her parents were in a constant state of worry and panic. And she just felt empty like now. There was no happiness after that. Even when he’d been found and they finally
knew what happened, the truth was much harder to face than the fact that he’d
been missing. His death left a void
nothing could fill, not friends at school or sports or anything she did. It was meaningless without Graham there.
Then, in college she met a guy,
David Connors, who could make her smile very easily. They got involved too quickly and it didn’t
work out. That kind of relationship
didn’t seem to be right for her, or them for that matter. She did, however, manage to remain friends
with David, and since then, he was the one person she could depend on for
anything. Though they couldn’t be a
couple, the friendship had always seemed to work, and he’d always been there
for her. They’d been there for each
other through bad relationships, unemployment, horrible bosses or other tough
times.
Now, as she sat mindlessly on the
couch in her apartment, void of any feeling except guilt and the flood of old
memories, she didn’t know what else to do.
David was the only person who would understand what she was going
through. She didn’t know if he’d be busy
or not. What if he was on a date? He often dated women he ran into in public;
he was an attractive man. If he was
busy, she could probably try Greg. But,
he couldn’t be trusted. She knew he was
a player. She had heard the rumors at
work. What if he used her weakness to
take advantage? She didn’t want to get
involved with that man. But, she didn’t
want to bother David either. It had been
a long time since they’d talked about Graham and the first time had been hard
for her. What else could she do?
Cami caught her bottom lip between
her teeth and nibbled. Anxious and
distraught, she reached for the phone.
David was the safer bet. She was
the closest she ever had been to another person when she was with him. When they were together, there was no need
for fear or secrets. She could be
herself with him. He was one of the very
few people she really trusted. She
dialed the number and when it went to the answering service, she left a
message. Then she hung up the phone and
waited.
It seemed like hours later when
there was a knock on her door. She went
to open the door and when she did, he was standing there, looking as handsome
and cool as ever in jeans, a nice polo shirt and his black leather jacket. “Cami, I got your message. I’m sorry I was late. I was out.
Is everything all right?”
She shook her head. “I’m glad you’re here though.” She let him inside and closed the door.
He took his coat off and draped it
over the television in the living room.
“What is it, Cam?” He touched her arm in concern.
It all came out. Through the rise of tears, she told him about
the dog and the vet’s office and all of the blood. She told him about how she remembered
Graham’s death and the pain.
He pulled her close against
him. “What happened to the dog is not
your fault. Dogs run into the road all
the time. They don’t know any
better. I’m sorry you had to see all
that, but you did the right thing. You
tried to save him. Most people would
have left him there.
“And as for your brother, I wish I could
remove that and say it never happened, but it did and I’m sorry for that. I wish you didn’t have to go through all of
it and I wish this accident hadn’t brought it up for you. But, you didn’t kill Graham. That psycho did. I’m sorry he wasn’t caught and you can’t find
closure, but you’ve got to stop punishing yourself. Siblings fight. That happens.
You didn’t make him leave. He was
going anyway. It’s not your fault. I want you to say it too.”
He was so sincere; that was what she
liked best about him. “What?”
“It’s not your fault.”
“It’s not my fault,” she repeated.
He pulled back to look at her. “That’s right. Now, do you believe it?”
“I don’t know,” she said
uncertainly, drawn by the warmth in his voice.
“I think the reason this has hit you
so hard, other than the fact that the dog was a living breathing creature, is
that you never forgave yourself for what happened with Graham. You never got to apologize or say goodbye
before he was taken away from you.”
“Yeah,” she agreed.
“A lot of people, Cami, never get to
say goodbye and they have to live with that.
But, you’ve held onto not only that, but thinking you’re responsible for
Graham’s death and you’re not, okay?”
“I know. It was just so hard, knowing that we fought
and then suddenly he was gone.”
“I know.” He held her close again.
“Thank you for this,” she
whispered. This time as she felt his
embrace, she felt something different.
Human touch was very powerful at times, especially in times of need, but
there was something more to the way David held her. It was like inside, she felt a long held
barrier subside and externally, she felt more warmth and compassion coming from
him than she ever had.
Suddenly she needed him on a level she
didn’t understand, possibly on a level that she shouldn’t feel with this
man. But, they had both grown in many
ways in the seven years since they’d first met, and they were different
people. Could they cross that line again
and be just as close? Could what they
had transcend into something more, something real or better than
friendship? Was David feeling what she
was? There was a new layer to what
they’d begun long ago, and she wanted to see where it might go.
She lifted her head to see his face,
pulling back slightly but not ending the embrace he’d begun. His brown eyes were warm with genuine concern
and something akin to passion. Their
faces were inches from one another and as she searched his features to see if
he was possibly feeling the same, he bent his head to kiss her.
The kiss was electric, his lips slowly
questing against hers; it was comforting yet exciting. And when his tongue entwined with hers, she
felt an explosive rise of wonder and desire, her knees weak as her body rested
against his. He pulled her closer then,
his arms resting supportively around her back while his other hand caressed her
waist.
As David continued to kiss her, there was
a sense of comfort with a hint of unbridled passion. She longed to break that control he held over
himself. She wanted all of him. Cami laced her arms about his neck, drawing
him deeper into the kiss he’d begun. She
felt a kind of wildness spread through her and when David bent to carry her in
his arms into the other room, being with him felt too right to deny it.
Lost in the
darkness,
Fumbling,
Stuttering,
Falling,
I claw for
balance,
For certainty.
Blind to all
else but fear,
I fight against
the numbing sorrow of life.
A hand grasps
mine in the darkness,
Warm,
Close and pure.
I know nothing
but the glory of human touch.
And the fear
dissipates as surely as the fall
And the sorrow
has faded.
In the dark,
Passion and
empathy replace the fear.
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