A Touch of Dawn - Chapter 7 by Erica Sutherhome
November 10, 2013
by Adam Scull
“You’re
going to go live with this man? After
what happened?”
Caitlyn
was just finishing her packing when she heard the question. She had known her mother wouldn’t easily
accept her decision. She turned. “Mama, I need someone who understands what
it’s like. I…” The emotions crowded into her throat, and the
memories came. Tears filmed her eyes. “I love you.
And you have tried to help. I
understand that. But, you can’t even
begin to imagine what I…” She shook her
head.
“Oh, honey,” her mother
managed.
“Jack is a good man.”
“I know that. But, living with a man? You were…”
She shook her head too, unable to form the words.
“Mama, I’m not even sure Jack is
like that.”
She frowned. “What do you mean? There’s no way that man could be gay.”
Caitlyn shook her head. “No.
It’s not really my story to tell.”
She shifted uneasily on her feet.
It seemed to dawn on her
mother. “Oh. Oh my God.
When?”
“When he was a child. But, please don’t say anything.”
She only nodded.
“Mother, I have feelings for
him. This makes sense to me.”
Her mother shook her head. “You’re so fragile right now. How can you know?”
“Are you psychoanalyzing me? You
think because I was raped, that I don’t know the difference between love and
transferring gratitude onto someone, and then morphing that into something I
need? I do. I understand the difference.
I’m not naïve. I just feel safe
with him, Mama.”
Many minutes passed before she
responded. “I only wanted to protect
you.”
“You can’t protect me from
everything. Bad things happen
sometimes.”
“It breaks my heart that that had to
happen to you.”
“I know, Mama.” She approached the bed, reached out and squeezed
her mother’s hand. “But, I know this is
right. I want Jack in my life in whatever
capacity he will allow.” She
sighed. “We both have issues, I know
that. But, no one in this world could
possibly understand me at this point better than he does.”
Her mother nodded. “I will miss you.”
“And I’ll miss you too. But, please don’t worry. You can call me anytime you want.” She dug into her pocket. “This is Jack’s home number. And when I get a cell, I’ll give you that
too.”
“Okay.”
“Mama, I…I’m not quite ready yet,
ready to be normal. But, someday, I’d
like to visit on holidays, maybe see you more than that. We could go…shopping or something.” She glanced away, knowing she was still too
damaged for that kind of life.
“That was very hard for you to say,
wasn’t it?”
She didn’t reply.
“Please don’t lie to me. If I’ll never see you again, I’d rather
know. I need to grieve if that’s what’s
going to happen.”
She released a shaky breath, so on
the brink of a breakdown that she couldn’t speak. “I’m not lying,” she managed. “I truly do want to be normal.” She sighed, gathered her courage. “I’ll tell you what. I will write you letters for awhile. Jack said it’s helpful to get my feelings on
paper. I won’t write anything that makes
you uncomfortable, of course, but I’ll send you something. Okay?”
She closed her eyes. “I...I
remember things now, Mama. But, I’m not
the same person I was. Do you understand
that?”
Tears spilled down her mother’s cheeks. “Those bastards took your joy, your
innocence.”
She tamped down her emotions and
kissed her mother’s cheek. “I promise
we’ll be in touch. I’ll keep that
promise.” She sighed again. “Jack is waiting in the car.”
Her mother grasped her hand. “Caitlyn, please take your journals. I never want you to forget the girl you
were.”
“Not today, Mama. Will you mail them to me?”
“Yes. Yes, I will.”
“All right then.” Though it hurt her more than she could
express, she embraced the other woman briefly. “I’ll talk to you later in the
week, okay?” Then she turned to leave.
“I love you, Caitlyn. Don’t forget that.”
“I know, Mama.” She took one last glance at her room with the
pink walls, the bright pink glittery comforter and the knickknacks she’d collected
over the years. A life had been lived
here. A life she didn’t think was a part
of her anymore. She mourned the loss
just as much as her mother did. She grabbed
her suitcase. Then she left the room and
walked down the stairs and out of the house.
One look at Jack in the car, and she ran and got inside.
“Everything all right?” he asked
gently as she got in and shoved the case in the backseat.
She
glanced at the house. “It will be.”
He
started the car, and drove away from the curb.
Caitlyn
looked out the window, watched the sights fly by, but she really saw
nothing. Her heart ached inside her
chest. Her throat felt tight with the
press of tears. She wasn’t aware she was
crying until Jack pulled over, shut off the engine, and held her. Sobs tore into her throat and she shuddered,
the tears flowing freely from her eyes.
“I’m leaving my old life behind.”
“I
know,” he whispered.
“I
don’t wish to cut ties with her.”
“And
you shouldn’t.”
“But,
I can’t be the same person.”
“No,
you can’t. No one could.”
She clung to him, pressed her face
into his shirt. He smelled nice. She wanted to return his embrace, but she
wasn’t sure she was ready for that.
“What about your parents?”
He stiffened then. “What about them?”
She lifted her head to look at
him. “Are you close to them?”
“No, I wouldn’t say that.” He
sighed. “I still stay in touch. But, I think they quickly realized I would
never be the same again. They sent me to therapists, anything they could do.”
His voice was tormented. “It wasn’t their fault I couldn’t handle everything.”
“It wasn’t yours either.”
“I’m not so sure about that. I was terrible at first. I got into trouble a
lot.”
“You were a rebel?”
“You were a rebel?”
“Oh, yes. I got a wake-up call when
I was sixteen. I ended up in juvenile hall. At that point, I realized how
stupid I was. I had to change
that.” He sighed again. “I tried harder
in school. Finally, I got some focus. I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to prevent this from happening to
other kids and other people. Because I
wasn’t naïve. I knew it happened to
adults too. And if I couldn’t prevent
it, I could help them handle it better than if they did it alone.”
“You feel you were alone?”
He shrugged. “When you’re in that situation, it feels
lonely. So, yes, I didn’t have a support
group of others that had been through it before. But, I want to be that for someone else.”
She reached up and touched his
cheek. From his widened gaze, she knew
she had shocked him and that he probably wanted to pull away from her. She had that automatic reaction with people
too. “I admire you, Jack. You’re a good man.”
He frowned. “Ever heard of transference?”
Her jaw clenched briefly. “Don’t be a bastard. I know the way I feel.”
“Well, then.” He chuckled. “You
never stop surprising me.”
“I hope not,” she whispered.
He seemed to stare at her for a long
time. Then he kissed her. When their
lips met, it was like a fire bursting between them. Caitlyn closed her eyes and submitted to
him. His mouth moved over hers gently
and his tongue met hers just as tentatively.
It was just what she needed, that careful discovery, and she responded
in kind.
He pulled away, releasing a
breath. “Wow.”
“I agree.” She touched her lips. She had been with one man long before she was
kidnapped and it had certainly never felt like that.
“I don’t know how to feel about
that.”
“Me neither.” She sighed.
“You can’t exactly call that platonic.”
“No, you can’t. Second thoughts?”
“No, not at all.” Though her racing heart said otherwise. But, Jack was so good to her. For her.
She just knew it, whether or not it made sense to other people. “Jack, were you ever with anyone else? I mean, later?”
It took a long while for him to
reply. She was afraid she’d really
screwed up with him, being so curious. She vaguely remembered her blatant
curiosity was one of the things that had driven her to become a reporter.
“No,” he finally answered. “Not
really. I might have been close, but
no. I couldn’t.”
She nodded. “That makes sense actually.” She sighed.
“Perhaps we’re born again virgins.”
He shot her an exasperated
glance. “You’re kidding.”
“Not really. Maybe we should look at it that way though. You and I are so damaged. We need to think of it that way.”
Jack frowned. “Maybe you’re right. I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“You were perfect.”
He laughed. “You have low standards.”
She paled.
“God, Caitlyn. I didn’t mean it that way. I was-“
“I know how you meant it. My mind just automatically went there.” She sighed.
“But, you’re wrong. That kiss was
exactly right. Exactly what we both
needed.” She frowned. “Am I wrong?”
“No, you’re not wrong. You realize
this changes everything.”
“How?”
“You’re moving in with me. Even if
we never…” He shook his head. “There is
still something between us.”
“Yes. And I’m okay with that. Actually, it’s better. Because we’re both on the same page.”
He chuckled. “I guess that’s true.”
“My experience is just as
limited. I was with one guy in college,
but I barely remember it now. He…” She shook her head. “He wasn’t loyal. It wasn’t worth it. And neither were the
other bastards.”
“Damn right. But, I’m hardly worthy of you either.”
“You’re more worthy than anyone has
been. I have feelings for you,
Jack.” She sensed his hesitance and
grabbed his arm. “Don’t run away. I promise what I feel is real.”
He frowned. “I…you know I care about you.”
“No, I didn’t, but it’s good to
know.”
He drew her close against him. “I do.
I would never have gotten involved with you if I didn’t. I would never have asked you to move in with
me.”
“Thank you. Thank you for
that.” She did return the embrace this
time, and it felt so natural she could hardly believe she was touching another
human being. Why didn’t it feel awkward,
strange, unbearable as it did with others?
She couldn’t explain it. But,
maybe there were just some things in life like that. They couldn’t be explained.
Her
attachment to Jack was one of them. She
couldn’t imagine him not being a part of her life in some capacity. What did that mean? Afraid to analyze it, she pulled back from
him. “Should we go home?”
He laughed. “Yes.
Thank God you said that.”
She giggled a little as he started
the car and drove away.
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